I’m Not Finished

This is the first time that I have thought this
This is not my last day
I still have years left
I still have so much to do
That I will do
That I want to do
A cynical heart just left me
Replaced with fire
Burning to my very core
A few simple words
“I want to be here”
I want to see where this road leads
I’m not done
My time has not come
I am not okay with dying today or tomorrow
I would hold regrets if I died right now
There is always more that can be done
My life’s book has hardly been opened
It has touched no one
I will change that
Before my time is done
There is so much to do

A fire burns me to the very core
Most would call it everyday life
I see hope
I see beauty
A new world around me
A place I did no fathom before
A desire builds within me
Thoughts not shrouded anymore
Before I knew I saw this world dimly
I believed I saw a reflection
It would be lifted upon His coming
Now I see that I was living in a fog
I could not even see the mirror
I feel the fog lifting
A weight being taken off my shoulders
I hear of those dying from this
I understand why they would
I am still so close to where I was
When I awoke in the depths of my disease
A physical problem hidden from view
Within my skull it lurks
An imbalance that caused this pain
I awoke and played this out in my mind
I awoke and was ready to end it all
Instead, I sought help
I found what I needed all along
When I asked You for help
When I begged for an answer
You could’ve cured me without an explanation
Made this depression disappear
Put the pieces back together
Instead You showed me my illness
And held me as I made my bed in hell
The wonders of Your creation found me
The science You created lifts me up
Some would see contradictions
I see an opportunity to reach others
A certain stigma surrounds the unseen
But this is only another physical illness
Curable through scientific means
His hands gave me the hope I needed
His creation: the means

Only Time Will Tell

I black out again
Into a state of questions
They have no answer
Into a state of disarray
I cannot organize
I hold the knife in my hand
He is gone for a moment
I consider the notion
Run through the motions
A few dimples in the palm of my hand
An indentation that will soon disappear
Across the inside of my arm
Begging for a deeper cut
A vein waiting to snap
But there is no blood
I hear footsteps on the stairs
I place the knife in the sink
Leave behind the thought
Move away from this idea
But it plagues my mind even now
An unseen illness
Crowds every corner
Occupies my heart
A small light shines through
The concept of relationships
The remembrance of love
Happiness for a day
Bitter doubt the next
3% and counting
I see an end to this
I wonder if I’ll give in
Will today just be another?
A different day, same problems
Another time, same temptations
A knife in hand is all I see
Again, again it plagues me
My mind is intrigued
My hand quivers
I cut until I am no more
Drained and gone to heaven
My mind travels there
Sees the possibility
Pans everything out
I never set it down
Not in my mind
I am already dead there
But here I remain
An empty husk
Considering the notion
To have my body move on
To where my mind resides

A Friend Told Me That I Cannot Express Emotions Without Relient K

Stumbling across the atmosphere
A strange sight indeed
A line of red appeared
Before all was smooth
Perfect complexion, save a freckle or two
As I get caught off track
Again
Wrapped up in my one obsession
Of many songs that saved me
Rather, God saved me through them
Each relationship’s end
Every moment’s beginning
Wondering which to bury
Letting it all out
Getting into God
Thinking I was going somewhere
Maybe I was onto something good
I hope I make it after all
But I wandered too far
I found myself within my own desert
My bones shattered
So bring them back to life
I never even approached a sun
Mothballs surrounding me
I fell straight into the sand
I never saw any solar flares
I skipped the love songs
The oasis was another mirage
And there is no savannah
I’m still waiting…
Waiting for whatever God has for me
The best thing is only a mystery
It has taken patience
It will take more patience
I still think I’m going somewhere
But somewhere between a dance
That I invited all the wrong boys to
And a lung that refuses to work properly
I got lost
I never fell out of God’s favor
But I stopped realizing that He was here
I no longer feel His presence
I dive into my distractions
Hoping, praying that I’ll forget
This will just disappear
Because I do not want to slow down
But as much as I’d rather
I cannot forget
Sailing to Neverland
Sailing to Japan
Neither will help
I need to be in His arms
But the Holy Ghost has been so quiet
As of late I hear nothing
Nothing but my anxiety building
I really hope I hear more from Him
I wish to be well on my way
But somewhere between terminals at CMH
And my favorite songs to jam to
My emotions were warped
I may need a mood ring
Although those have never worked
My hands are only ice cold
They are in need of a move
An adventure towards warmer weather
My Jefferson Aeroplane will surely carry me
I’ll open all the windows
I know where I’ll end up
And I’ll watch the sunrise over the Pacific
Through a window, favorite cereal in hand
I’ll forget for a moment
And then relapse and return to You

Creeping Depression

Something finally clicked
As it has countless times before
Friendships overflowing
No one here is more than that
This love is all I need
The source of my loneliness is rooted elsewhere
Not in need for intimacy
Not in need for mutual love of the “not parting till death” type
It is rooted in my desire for acceptance
My desire for social interactions
All of which I am incapable of
I am incapable because of past experiences
I learned to expect disappointment
I learned to expect pain
I learned to expect to not belong
But I can belong
If only I could unlearn this behavior

This is a circle
I see a way out now
I recognize this feeling
I recognize this behavior
I’ve seen it around me
Within my sister
Within my mother
A depression taking over
The days go on
My bed becomes a close companion
The outside world starts to slip away
Those that pass my window are foreign
I do not want them to see me like this
I do not want them to see me here
When I awake before everyone
Even before the stomping feet
I open my eyes and peer into the darkness
I feel him beside me
Close enough to touch
Close enough to hold
With an infinite barrier between us
A glass cage around my mind
Bars around my heart
I can look through and analyze
I can reach and let my fingertips graze
I am trapped within myself
I am unable to appreciate the beauty around me
I know it is there
I can see it. I can analyze it.
But it does not internalize
I just barely feel
The moments of joy are blocked by the bars
Distorted by angles
When I tell myself it does not exist
When I put on a façade for those that would worry
I am ecstatic
I am manic
I am full of a false joy as I momentarily bury this
With each shovel full of dirt
I block out the sun a little more
I go a little lower
I risk the collapse of the walls around me
Of this dirt fortress I have built

In the dead of night
I am wide-awake, fully alert
I close my eyes
I try to hide under the blanket
I want to disappear
Here I am alone with my thoughts
The thoughts of how this should not be
I should not feel this

Half Full or Half Empty?

 

A thousand words we have heard before
Different interpretations for every generation
We fade away from each other
We can no longer reach a soul with words
Before this, knowledge was to be envied
Ask and you shall receive
The answer is never without pain
There may be one-or even two or three
A few in number may share my path
Except, if they do, they share my loneliness
They share the same desire for freedom
They share the same desire for peace
Our calling is one that will not be called normal
This path will never be clear
Our hearts will never be filled
I angle my palms upward
To let go of everything
Not in search of nirvana
No, in an offering to God
A constant reminder
He gave it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
It does not matter who I seek
It does not matter who I find
It does not matter who I love
It does not matter who loves me
God above is all that matters
His will is over all
His love is the only thing that will last
His peace is the only real peace

I cannot answer any questions
For all eternity it will remain thus
Look around you and find the answers yourself
Feel them in the earth between your toes
Smell them in the blooming flowers
Taste them in the falling water
See them in the infinite sky
Hear them in the flowing river, the chirping birds, the breeze through the trees
Look around you and find the answers yourself

Feel them in the concrete creeping across the earth
Smell them in the smog in the air
Taste them in the acid rain and infested waters
See them in the city lights
Hear them in the sirens, the passing trains, the airplanes overhead
Look around you and find the answers yourself

Feel them in the love you hold for your friends and family-feel their love for you
Smell them in the dinner you cook with your friends and the just washed hair of the one you hold closest
Taste them in your clean water and on the lips of your beloved
See them in the outstretched hand of a friend, the sacrificial love of a stranger
Hear them in our laughter, our songs, our constant notifications
Look around you and find the answers yourself

Feel them in the eyes of the rapist, the murderer, the thief as he approaches you
Smell them in the gunpowder in the air, the fires of war
Taste them in the blood in your mouth, the ash, the dried tears upon your cheeks
See them in the hate all around, the ever escalating crime
Hear them in the crying of a homeless child, the screams of the arrogant, the rebels of youth

Look around and see all of them: the answers are there
It is your decision alone which answers to hold onto
But know this
There is never only black and white
There is never only one story-one side
There is never only one answer
Will you see the good?
Will you see the bad?
If you choose one and forsake the other
You have discovered nothing
You are biased
You are blind
There is no half full
There is no half empty
There is half liquid
There is half air
There is a solid container for these two
There is no vacuum
You cannot separate the two within the container