Demons & Writing

In high school English classes I wrote essays about my future as an electrical engineer. I would shape the world. The inventions I would design would find their way into your smartphone: your pockets and life. I would be financially secure in this field of work. I would be prosperous.

In the midst of a growing depression and tedious college courses, I realized that engineering would not bring me happiness. I would never design and create the things I really wanted to: the time machines, the infinite and clean power sources, the space ships, or even a “Jurassic Park.” If I became an engineer, my imagination and creativity would die on the doorstep of the company that I chose to work for. I would not be able to travel and adventure and live as I pine to. Instead, I would live for the sake of filling my pocket with some gold to spend on a typical house with a typical white picket fence in a typical world.

I don’t want typical. I do not even hold onto a desire for a house. And the bureaucratic nonsense surrounding engineering and science and technology is ridiculous.

I told God my plan to be an engineer when I was ten, and, inevitably enough, he laughed at me and put me in a different direction eleven years later. A number of pieces collapsed within my head and all around me and I found within my mind’s eye a knot, a knife, a gun, or maybe just a jump. In the end, my keyboard is actually what won. While I was supposed to be studying electrical circuits and differential equations and Japanese, I instead wrote pages and pages of pathetic pining and whining that I will never share that tell of chemical imbalances and complete changes in perspective.

And so, I write because otherwise I will die. I write because I want my life to be marked with the honest communication that I share with people, not a small contribution to some electrical equipment. And I am going to continue to write until something comes out right and I find whatever it is that I am looking for. I am going to write about worlds that don’t exist so I can take myself and others away. I am going to mold my own path and find my own way without trying to reach standards society asks of me. I write to beat the demons inside of me.

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