I used to sleep through every night and through every sound. Caressed by darkness and falling heavily to the music of nature – the pitter-patter of rain, the roar of thunder, the howls of coyotes. Now, I awake every hour – dark corners haunting me, nightmares growing, cold air biting at my cheeks and nibbling my neck. The city sounds don’t cause me to drift away.
I travel up two sets of stairs so I can hear his heartbeat fight my solitude. I still cannot sleep, but at least the corners no longer haunt me. Here is where the city lights creep through the windows and the hot air lingers after its ascension.
He does not notice me there. He mumbles and moves to give me room, but in the morning he’ll wake and, with concern in his voice, ask me what brought me here. I’ll tell him of my insomnia and loneliness. His concern will visibly lessen. We both know this is welcome after my previous instabilities.
We’ll rise together and make breakfast and enjoy coffee and our presence on the back porch. Wooden stairs beneath us, we’ll look out at the sun, the green grass, the seedlings I will inevitably let die. I’ll watch a passing train and consider where it has been and where it is going. The smell of spring is all around. He’ll return to the indoors to wash dishes and prepare for the day. I’ll stay on the wooden panels a little longer. I’ll wish the sun would shine like this forever.
I will wish that. I am wishing it was today. As the clouds turn on and off and on and off again, I wish they would dissipate enough to let some warmth through. I am exhausted and I feel like the sun could transfer some of its endless energy to me if only I could see it. I picture a pinhole in my mind. Just one hole in the clouds where the sun burned through so it could reach me. So it could reach earth.
But that is only in my imagination, which does not impart energy to me. So, I am left to try to wake myself up after nights of little sleep and incoherent days. I start to drift away only when the sun is out and the world beckons me to contribute to society. I don’t know if I can today, so instead I write this mess.