Printing Tickets

I am at the library printing tickets. I am here because it is the one place I knew I could go to print for free and in comfort. I have been busy with old friends and new friends and old books that are new to me. I traveled to New York to find the sunshine of my life that I have missed for some time. I have written a few love notes and unreasonable requests to strangers that I cannot share here. I have decided to change states. I have decided to start anew.

This is not unreasonable. Autumn is the essence of change to me. I break up in Autumn. I move in Autumn. I change in Autumn. New Year’s resolutions in the northeastern United States are far too cold for my southern California-born skin. So, as green begins to dissipate and give way to the reds, yellows and pumpkin spice that I so adore, I transform with the trees. Their change will not leave me behind.

This fall I start at a new school. I start a new job. I make an old home into a new home and move away from one family to approach another. I plan out long distance relationships, which I have never been able to maintain. I go to libraries for last visits and farewells. I will have to find a new place to print concert tickets for free.

And find new venues and adventures and friends and family.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was beginning to think I had been in this state for too long. It is definitely time for a change.

Autumn came early this year. There is a cold draft through the windows and I cannot help but wish for a sweater.

Home ~ Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

This week he is gone. He disappeared across the country while I moved two states to the east. His only message was the half serious, half joking text insisting we relocate to Colorado. It is a beautiful state, but I was even farther away. I have spent my whole life looking for home and now that I have found it I am going to leave it. I will return to the place I am supposed to be. I heard His voice on the wind and began following it northward, as though the remnants of my past were calling me to a completely new place within familiar territory.

Home is wherever I’m with you.
I sing these words and know that you are out of sight. I miss you dearly, with your phone’s signal lost and as I go on a week and two days without a word. This is so insignificant, but for me it is still a lesson to learn. Normally, he is always here. He is on the front porch playing guitar. He relaxing with a cigarette in the rain. He is blowing kisses my way.

Home, let me come home.
I plan a move and wonder when you’ll return. I am finding it difficult to consider where my path will take us, but I am hopeful that we will remain together. Otherwise, I will be left to search for a new home. If it takes another 21 years for me to find that new home, what a sorry state my heart will be in by the time I reach that summit.

And in the streets you run afree like it’s only you and me.
The roads I have followed. Crossing some was proven a simple task. There are other streets that I cannot even see across. I stop and look down at the solid yellow lines. You are to my right, lacing your roller blades. I fall over and over, my lack of balance winning this game. You always pick me up. And no matter the road, it truly is like it is only you and me.

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

The water boiled over again
I filled the kitchen with smoke
And dirtied the floor with soot
Left bread crumbs and ants along the ground
Scattered blankets where I lay
Counted the dollars left on one hand
Watched the clock tick to nothing
Spilled the last of my food
Charged another item to a sliver of plastic
Counting as the interest grows
And the items I treasure grow few
I type, I pray, I wait, I relax, I tense
I have no signal in this house
Wander away to sort out insurance claims
Lose my tooth in the process
Never to be replaced
The representatives are harsh
Their lot in life the same as mine
Just trying to make it by
So, I play Spotify through clearance items
Dream of the multiple homes I’ve made
Where I’ve been, where I’m heading
And I know

Everything, everything’s gonna be alright
Won’t you sing me to sleep tonight?

The Night of that First Kiss

He introduces himself and the song he is covering: “Lover’s Wreck” by Gaelic Storm. (All credits to Gaelic storm for italics. I don’t own lyrics in italics. Non italics are mine. Something something something…)

A hundred days at sea, A wretch away from misery
He begins singing with a voice apart from the others. Comfortable with singing, he smiles while his hands catch every chord with precision.
Rummies and rats and tarry jacks my only family
The island of salvation is still a scream a way
As the lungs of the night blow out the light my heart kneels down to pray

He pauses to uncover the parts of his heart that he never shows.

Lord why did you take her She meant so much to me
But in this moment, he is a performer. Every word is a complete truth. Every word is from his heart. His lungs utilize every piece of oxygen and release a bellow I did not expect from his jolly and humble form.
Now I’m a wretched soul on a privateer drowning out at sea
I’m killing and I’m drinking my blue heart to black
But I swear, oh Lord, I’ll never sin again if you bring her back

His voice tells me his words are true. His passion tells me this song was for her.

Gypsy was a siren, Dripping with desire
Her moonless hair and skin so fair as warm as frozen fire

A sadness instead of a love begins to show. His eyes focusing on no one, he gazes across the seated patrons and rushing waiters, seeing her upon the sea.
She had the loyalty of a cat, behind those pale green eyes
And through her cherry lips the devil slipped, a thousand lies
A clan of rogues and vagabonds occupied her head
That thieving band took her pale white hand and stole her from my bed
And like a ghost ship in the night she drifted out once more
To land upon the sand of another lover’s shore

He has accepted her distance. Her spontaneity and capriciousness left his head spinning in a world where he would like nothing more than to relax by the rain, paintbrush or guitar in hand.

Lord why did you take her she meant so much to me
Returning again, his passion takes hold of my heart and I feel a fire. His emphasis and tone perfectly show the emotion behind these words. He is in love with her again–if only for a moment.
Now I’m a wretched soul on a privateer drowning out at sea
I’m killing and I’m drinking my blue heart to black
But I swear, oh Lord, I’ll never sin again If you bring her back

In my sleeping mind she sings a sad and lonely lullaby
When I wake there’s just the ache that’ll haunt me till I die
He looks towards me and smiles as much as his moving voice allows. I grin as widely as I can, recalling him taking care of me over the past few weeks of my emotional distress, supporting me as I miss classes and wish to end my life, making me smile when everything in me begs for my disappearance.
When those winds of vanity no longer blow her west
I pray they’ll guide her home (across the foam) and put my heart to rest
Press gang filled this Man-o-War To make the black mouthed cannon roar
Now all my trade is ball and blade, and blood forever more
And the sting of salt and spray, the ocean’s howl and squall
A stumbling wreck, I roam the deck, at the devil’s beck and call.. at the devil’s beck and call

He looks my way. I am not sure where his mind’s eye now carries him, but he seems genuinely happy.
He is my best friend. We always get along. We don’t fight. We agree on so many levels. We talk in the same monotonous way that sounds condescending to everyone except us.

Oh, Lord, why did you take her She meant so much to me
Now I’m a wretched soul on a privateer Drowning out at sea

Here he is. Singing again but still glancing my way. Maybe checking on my sanity. Maybe happy to see me smiling. Maybe thinking about how well we get along.
I’m killing and I’m drinking my blue heart to black
But I swear, oh Lord, I’ll never sin again if you bring her back

Applause. Something I could never earn. Especially not through music. He comes off the side of the stage and is all smiles: his entirely normal self. After a few compliments, he is standing in front of me, guitar in hand, and I tell him how he sung those words perfectly. He says, smile still holding on, “I can only sing that song as a final song. My throat is ridiculously dry.” His voice no longer carries as far as it did before stepping onto that stage.

We meander around for a while and leave as the bar becomes sober. Across eastern facing roads we find our way home. He falls asleep to Pokemon while I remain glued to the screen and watch through to the end. I drift away in his arms and feel a rare sense of peace that I cherish. I awake around 3am, my insomnia alerting me to nothing. I ask myself why I have yet to tell him that I love him. Why have I waited so long when this emotion has become so obvious? His happiness is all I have been considering. What does he want? Not me.

But when do I consider what I want? Not very often.

And so I kiss him.

And I wake him up to explain to him the kiss I gave in his sleep: it was not a dream. I like him. He explains to me how he thought it was a Pokemon battle. I apologize for this not being nearly as interesting as his dreams. We laugh and smile.

And so this began. Nothing but peace. Nothing but understanding. Nothing but relaxing. Nothing but friendship and love. Five months of peace with my best friend. We may grow apart and end this, becoming only friends again, or we may continue on together, our lives continuously entwined. Either way, these moments are some of my favorite and without him in my life I do not know if I would still be here.

Relationships are truly beautiful. They make up the entirety of this world and if you don’t choose to have wonderful relationships, your life cannot be complete.