Maybe it was just after midnight or maybe it was nearly sunrise. I wasn’t sure. I was only sure that the air was thin against my bones. It wasn’t a normal summer night with mosquitoes buzzing and a distant coyote’s howl. No, it was quiet. There was no one around to hear me fall.
And fall I would.
There wasn’t any slippery ground or moss-covered foliage to prolong my way… no… there was only my own uneasiness and poor self-esteem. But that battle was much larger than many would think. Against my vivid imagination Hope raged. The quickly approaching ground consumed. Each fall landed with my spine upon a sharp rock, a barbed stick within my abdomen, or the earth shifting and crumbling until my body would find a resting place at this dark valley’s end.
It isn’t like I ever asked to think like this. Just with every single turn I see another branch cracking, the mother bear stirring, and every plausible path disappearing. Have you ever spent a night with only your nightmares? Could you spend an entire day this way and still climb those trees? See those heights? Brave those dams? I wonder if you could.
But I don’t really care.
I care a little more about this: Could you brave those dams if your mind was begging you to jump? Or climb those trees if your soul only wished for you to fall to your death–even before you glimpsed the sky? Or could you see those heights when building tops and cliff ledges only meant convenient places to die?
I wish this weren’t so… but I’m beginning to recognize that, though I may not always desire this, I will always see it. With every cliff, tree, and building top there is a fall and for every pleasant dream there is a lurking evil.
Do you ever feel like your whispers of sweet-anythings only fall on deaf ears? Or as though her feet wanted to remain steadfastly placed upon the ground? And swaying to and fro goes anywhere but forward, so how could those steps bring her home? But the music called as though my heart would continue on. Every note reminds me of each drive that I gave away the wheel on. I drifted away, knowing I would wake up. Knowing I would be beside you, enshrined with a smile that would always tell me of what I would miss.
What I would miss…