Fitness Journey: Building the Habit

It all began on Monday, March 13th. I set up my Planet Fitness membership and got on the treadmill. For the first two weeks, I went five times a week; I wanted to build the habit. Some of those days, I really did not want to go. So, since I got the black card membership, I told myself to go even if all I did was lay on the hydromassage bed. On those days, I still worked out, because I find the hardest thing is just getting there.

Those first two weeks were definitely the most difficult for me. I actually wasn’t that sore (I made the point of eating healthy, excessively stretching, and not taking on more than my body could handle), but, mentally, it was a challenge to motivate myself to go. It was also very difficult to overcome the mental block that frequently plagued me when I started feeling like I couldn’t do it anymore mid-stride. Thankfully, this mental block is becoming easier and easier to overcome. Also, I no longer have myself on as strict of a schedule, but still go/workout three-four times a week, because at about the three-week mark I actually craved exercising.

What a great feeling!

Just Do It

It seems like it will be impossible forever; you’ll hate it and just do it, because it does give you more energy, help you sleep better, and is just plain ol’ healthy. But, if you can just keep at it for a few weeks, you’ll start genuinely wanting to do it. A few crunches and jump-squats in the comfort of your home becomes an enjoyable warm-up for your jog or ride instead of another tedious daily routine.

It’s kind of awesome.

It kind of makes me want to get out there and continue my habit that once plagued me, but now! Now, I really just enjoy it.

Unfortunately, I’ve been wearing old, thrift-store shoes, and now I can’t run or jog for a little while. My shins, ankles, and feet have ached since Sunday, so it is just strength training and biking for now. This is also exacerbated by my job (mostly in my right leg), so this week has kind of really sucked.

BUT. I still really want to go workout and still have options. It took some time and a lot of motivational speeches to myself, but I’ve got the habit now. So, I’m very proud of that.

Now, I’m gonna go ice my legs 🙁

-Katherine Z Mraz

Time left you in the streets

Sent this to my sister after reading some of her old stuff. Kinda like it.

You aren’t what I remembered: the cascading beauty that I always longed for. My memory decided it was better to not know you completely. My memory was right.

I read those words again–the beautiful ones… the ones that were always on the tip of my tongue… never written… except by you. But you stopped and I started where you left off. But. It will never be you. It won’t be as good and as beautiful. It won’t be those short snippets of fireflies and truck bed dates. It’ll just be… me. A little rhetorical. Mostly holding up parallels hoping that someone else might find them interesting. But most will just laugh at the repetition. The apparent desperation for a certain point to be recognized. It’ll never be the words you wrote. It’ll never be the pretty snippets all creatively timed. It’ll just be me. And I imagine you reading “me” and cringing at some of it. I imagine you laughing at other parts. I imagine you crying at most. Because that’s you. And it wouldn’t even have anything to do with how your words form those perfect bits that I just dream of… it would just be the same reaction you always have to me and those same things I write… just the same as how your beautiful snippets inspire a despair in my soul because those snippets were only of despair.

We wrote everything different; you were praised by English teachers, and I was praised by Calculus teachers. I never wanted to step on your toes. And I never do. And I never will.

Sometimes here I think how I’m alright and you’re alright both in our own rights. Right now is irrelevant because this doesn’t even make sense. But, mostly, I look at some of both of ours writing and I think how different it is. How… how different… so you can’t really scale it. But personally. I think you’re way better.

Especially right now. I don’t have much on the side of creativity. I just have lists and facts and a book split into perfect seasons. There’s a main event each season, and, sometime, I’ll invite you to sit and watch, but, mostly, I’m thinking how the random snippets you have are what I wish I could send out.

And there’s that feeling. When your words are read, there’s that cascading. We fall, fall, fall into each new word and sentence and fragment until the sudden stop. But it’s always a perfect stop.

And I know if you read my snippets you’d say the same and you’d say how you hated all your endings or non-endings… but most of all you’d say how you hated that blank page you left on your nightstand when the pen was too heavy and the words wouldn’t come.

I’ll tell you how the words aren’t coming and it is awful and you’ll read the pieces that are full of cliches and laugh how I laughed when I buried them away. And then we’ll grow quiet cause we both know that when we started burying those awful cliche filled snippets we started burying creativity along with it. We started holding out for the right moment, the right feeling, the right words when we know we aren’t supposed to. We know we’re supposed to write everyday and write what you know and write… bird by bird. But we stopped looking out the window at the birds and became too absorbed in the inexpressible, all-consuming (and often irrelevant) emotion behind everything.

So. I imagine us in silence and I imagine all this and our un-had conversations when I put down the drafting pencil for a pen, CADD for Word, and I imagine how I pick up that pen again and I write about the cliche and I write every cliche and I write about the birds and their obvious colors and behaviors that everyone knows and I write the dialogue we’ve all had and I write and write and write, never feeling inspired or creative and I look back towards you… I look back towards you and you have a daughter who’s writing, a son who’s building, and a baby who’s listening… and I see that your heart came alive in a way our words never will and in a way our words never even could.

Relocation Complete

So, I finally got around to transferring all my posts from wordpress.com to this website. However, I got some error messages about some of my media not making the transfer. So, if you click on anything and it doesn’t work or there are missing pictures/files, too bad.

I would say, “Please be patient while we undergo maintenance.” But let’s be real. I’m probably never going to get around to transferring all that over.

So, too bad. Move on. You will never know.

Accidental Stupidity: A Life Update

I made a mistake. While I was putzing around with the added functionality of wordpress.org over wordpress.com, I deleted my incredibly valuable seven posts on this website.

And then I was able to save them all via the app which hadn’t deleted them yet.

And then I imported all of my posts from my blog over here.

So I came out on top.

Anyway, I haven’t done much on here lately… err… ever, but I’m at a different place now.

That’s what we all say. I’m hoping I’ll actually stick around longer this time: I’ve got a plan, and I’ve actually been writing a good amount outside of this internet world.

Plan: I’m writing this on Thursday, September 8th. I’m initially scheduling it to be posted on Sunday. I have other posts already scheduled for Friday and Saturday. Genius. I can be my normal inconsistent self that writes five things in one day, but appear consistent to the world.

Happenings outside of Internet: My book is actually coming along! Anything I could post here would probably be incredibly painful to read, but let’s not talk about that. I have a number of hand-written pages for my book (see About Katherine page) that I need to type up. This is my next task and will also include some very rough proof-reading and editing. It will be painful to read those scribbles.

So, life is coming along. I’m getting married next month. I’m nearing the editing stage of my book. And I’m selling mattresses again! I’ll probably go back to school and finish my degree soon (I’m about 12 credits and two CLEP tests from graduating!). When this is posted, I will be enjoying a small Bridal Shower.

So, yeah, cool stuff.

-Katie Z

Ephesians Poem

The storms will never quit
On this desolate earthen bit
Here where the devil roams
Stirrin sand, fire n dust
But I know,
–Even within earth’s moans
That he will only come to rust
For the One in whom I trust
Can stop every burn and gust
And not only this!
He also truly is
The Lord of lords and King of kings!

And the God who always brings
Every promise and word to pass
Sent him to become my pass
Into heaven, into home
Into family and eternity
So we no longer roam
Nor live with cursed enmity
Instead we rejoice in His grace
While our hearts learn our new place
Beside the risen Christ
Above evil in Christ
As brothers and sisters in one accord
Sons and daughters under one Lord
And God’s treasure forevermore.

A Meeting With Time

In Time’s study, I sat looking at her from my armchair. I don’t even remember sitting down there. I was just walking through the woods, working to clear my head. And then I was facing Time. He was sitting under his lamp, bookshelves full behind her. Other than the illuminated book in his lap, it was dim, curtains mostly closed and the woods outside shielding the room from light.

I knew she knew all there was to know about me, but Time was still entirely indifferent to my circumstances. She counted today as irrelevant and probably tomorrow too–really, my whole life. However, I did not find his brashness harsh; I almost took comfort in his indifference that nearly curled his nose while she considered my futile plight.

“Pitiful,” I think I heard her mutter under his breath, but maybe he was just exhaling as he turned a page.
Time found my life meaningless, but, then I noticed, with the same looks of disdain, she held reverence. How he portrayed both of these I simply cannot know or say.

“I envy you,” Time spoke, to clarify the look I saw.
I understand Time’s words as much as I understand how he looked at me with both indignant indifference and reverence.

Time offered no explanation and I imagine did not care if we sat there forever.

“Envy me?” Of course I had to restate this with my disbelief added to the words. Time continued flipping through his empty notebook–I assume it held something I was simply not privy to.

“Yes. You, generally speaking. Humanity.” He did not stop flipping through her book. She also made no indication that she would talk again.

“Why?” I asked after she went through a few more pages, after a few more moments of what felt as though Time was struggling to remain here–her presence remaining tangible, but his soul seeming to disappear into her book itself.

“You experience what I never can.”

At this statement, Time finally stopped flipping through his book and regarded me. He seemed to grow weary the longer her eyes were not on the pages, but, she spoke with less monotony and indifference this time.

“I’m outside of this world. I’m here only as a study of sorts; I am continuously disconnected. I see your world and universe in one field– as you would view a two-dimensional piece of art. But here you are: experiencing a life just as tangible as mine, even if much simpler.”

The indifference returned as her explanation ended. Time began flipping through pages once more. Immersed in whatever the blank pages held, I left Time in his study and continued on my way. I walked out of the woods and arrived at a country road and my car.

I’m still here. Whichever way I look, painted yellow dashes stretch from horizon to horizon.

I’ll always be here. Deciding between right or left, backward or forward.

I know that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter: I’m one in seven billion; I’m unique like everybody else. I know that between right and left there is no substantiated correct direction. I know this in light of Time itself. I know of all the indifference, the cold, and the bitter in the majority. I know that everyone regards their state in life as their only god; selfishness absorbing every opportunity for love while disdain and jealousy consume.

I know…

But
I saw the reverence too.

I have moved!

Edit: This post is now irrelevant to life since I imported all wordpress.com posts to wordpress.org.

Hello everyone!

I am moving! The marketing class I am currently taking requires a website, so, instead of updating this one, I’ve decided to move onto having my own host and new site. It is katherinezellmer.com, if you’d like to go check it out, that would be awesome!

-Katherine Z

Another Beginning

Normally, I’m busy writing when I’m at the beginning of another end. You know, when things are all falling out of place, I suddenly feel the urge to type something true to my heart. Well, right now, everything is going very nicely–other than being broke, but that is momentarily not of consequence.

So, I ditched traveling to fly home to my now fiance, Max. As I was wandering about Iceland, not only did I run out of money and make a few mistakes in life, but I also realized that I did not want to travel anywhere without Max. No view was as stunning as just being near him.

So, I came back. I got a job. And I started overworking in order to pay off some debts. Now, I’m done with that and I have decided to pursue this writing thing more full time. I have no money, but God keeps nagging at me to trust Him in this.

So, I probably should.

Anywho, back to my book, my fiance, and the perfect November air. We’ll see how it goes. 🙂

Iceland notes with no pictures

Moss like veins weaves down the mountain sides with melting glacial snow and freezing volcanic rocks.
If you look closely, you sometimes see a yellow flower… or maybe pink or white.

And then the red rocks loom upon mountain sides.

Now there is only ash: the remains of the eruptions of past days.

Random bits of red rock are uncovered along the roadside, upturned moss covered stones in their midst.

As we weaved in and out of jagged rocks and along green lines, Ewelena’s hand gripping the headrest in front of her, silence overcame us. Even for the seasoned travelers, this was awe-inspiring. We went from rivers to glaciers to red and green stone to volcanoes and ash over the course of two hours until the road drowned in that very same glacier’s  remains. We never lost a step though, each meter back showing us bits of green and black and white that we hadn’t yet noticed.

We arrived back at the field of dark stones and found our way across towards waterfalls and population. I glanced back to see a freckle of blue sky above the hills. All I could think was that this was one place where you didn’t need the sunshine to feel the beauty of this world.

Song Write 1

Guideline: Listen to music and limit self to only writing in a way that relates to the song. So, to get full effect you have to know the songs. It is also timed. Must finish current sentence/topic when song ends.

Wake me up – Avicii
In terms of anxiety

In a pit within your ideas that clouds every movement and judgment
You can almost see the light, but here in this darkness you cannot escape your awful reality
The reality of your fear: the loss, the disappointed glares, every word they could say will never hurt as much as the ones you’ve already engraved upon your soul
You’ll never know that you are lost until the storm subsides
Those faces begin to clear and you can finally see
How it was only just the beginning

Hey Brother – Avicii
In terms of depression

I stopped believing a long time ago, though there are some things that I believe in other than myself
I’ve never had a home, but my bed will endlessly encompass me
The escape of escapes; if only the sky would fall and smother me here too
But it never does
And I could easily give it all for you
But I would never give anything for myself
When everyone outweighs you, self-sacrifice becomes the obvious choice

Levels – Avicii
In terms of desire

We danced in the fountains and throughout every depressive episode my past never went before my eyes, but there, in that stream, my future passed in front of me when you blocked the sun for an instant. I was hoping for so much more and now that I am here, with more than I ever bargained for, I can’t help but start to fear that everything I wanted might just be to near for me to be able to keep you

Thornside – Matt Brouwer
In terms of escape

I kept telling myself that I needed to learn something from all this. I would learn to heal her. I would fix this. I would be the magic glue that they needed, because I can do what He can’t. But this isn’t that story. There isn’t a break in the clouds as long as I’m here on this page, but I’ll tell you when I see that new day in a different chapter. This thorn will never set me free as long as I continue to let it dig under my bones, sucking my marrow dry.

Whatcha Say – Jason Derulo
In terms of betrayal

The roof will never cave in unless we find ourselves in an earthquake, but I swear I prayed for it to when I saw you leave for her. The tragedy I was looking for is always right in front of me, thankfully, it is predominantly the fault of those around me. Unfortunately, I don’t have a say in these things.
You only meant well, and I knew this from the start, but I always wished there was more than good intent. Later on you would see that I deserved so much more than intentions, but I’m still standing on a ledge with an unchecked parachute. It’s brand new and hasn’t been tested even once. I’m feeling rather dumb for trusting it.

Runaway – Ed Sheeran
In terms of home

Home has never been a place I could find, but as I walked out that door there was no surprise. I was no adult nor could I sign any leases, but I needed to run. I never needed to say a thing. He’d know how every word would have fallen and how it would only leave him with more disdain for her sour words and sore heart. Every intention left aches and pains, but they all knew I wouldn’t be back for long. A temporary stay before packing and taking to the road: another trip around the world in a literal sense this time instead of all that metaphorical bullshit.
I love him from the skin to my bones. But I’m looking for something away from him this time.

Drunk – Ed Sheeran

I can believe that the truth will never make you stronger. It is predominantly pain not worth mentioning. I miss your warmth in the cold summer nights when I forget to keep my warmer blankets by my side.
When I drank the entire night away I almost hoped you would appear in my waking dreams, but instead I scratched my wrists until I saw red and wished I could empirically measure the love you held for her against what I feel reaching across the land from the west coast.
Cans collected along the floor of my bedroom, with the music playing in my head causing my body’s submission to a rhythm instead of a knife… and left alone my legs were made to feel like lead for the rest of the week… I’ll never let go of the rhythm if it means seeing you before God’s return.

Dashboard – Modest Mouse

Nowhere is the place that I am always searching for, but it really couldn’t be any worse than this. The radio is only a little distracting when placed within a burning car. I would ignore the burns and the splintering windshield, drumming and swaying and moving to each and every note that I felt within my very soul. I could never let go of the drums, but when anyone appeared I found that I forgot every piece and when they stared I began to break, break, break… Couldn’t keep the drums or the beat or the scene and as each and every piece of me disappeared into the background I recalled how I had placed all my hopes in this one last thing… one last thing that maybe I could do I could feel I could accomplish with everything in my soul because everything in my soul could only ever be shown with how these songs made me feel….. .. how I saw them play out in my mind.

Little Bird – Ed Sheeran

With a broken leg you can still fly as a bird. Well, aren’t you a fool?
Would you stay? And I can’t. I thought it would be simple. I’d always feel that way, but I now know that something in me is broken… I’ve always known this. Broken against my heart… the morning dew will never feel my feet willingly, as the sunrise holds my attention as much as a dream.
It’s late love. Go back to sleep.
Regret. Diving in too soon.
I’ll owe it all to you.
I was so certain within your presence… but maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up… because with each passing week I’m falling into something of a normal pattern of obsession with this or that while the memories of you fall to the wayside…

Wake me up – Ed Sheeran

Maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up. If we got tattoos instead of wedding rings, would I feel as though this is more permanent? Would the commitment suddenly become realistic? I’ll never know… I’ll never know what you see in this basket case that is me, but with every word I write I hope that I’ll see some new books someday… I never really asked for a fairytale ending, but there you were, a knight carrying me to the hospital, staying up with me all night, blowing off finals and scholarships and the world’s definition of success…. Why couldn’t it be that I just breathe to feel you against me… but you still have a train to catch and a week states away……

Maybe I fell in love when you woke me up.