Song Write 1

Guideline: Listen to music and limit self to only writing in a way that relates to the song. So, to get full effect you have to know the songs. It is also timed. Must finish current sentence/topic when song ends.

Wake me up – Avicii
In terms of anxiety

In a pit within your ideas that clouds every movement and judgment
You can almost see the light, but here in this darkness you cannot escape your awful reality
The reality of your fear: the loss, the disappointed glares, every word they could say will never hurt as much as the ones you’ve already engraved upon your soul
You’ll never know that you are lost until the storm subsides
Those faces begin to clear and you can finally see
How it was only just the beginning

Hey Brother – Avicii
In terms of depression

I stopped believing a long time ago, though there are some things that I believe in other than myself
I’ve never had a home, but my bed will endlessly encompass me
The escape of escapes; if only the sky would fall and smother me here too
But it never does
And I could easily give it all for you
But I would never give anything for myself
When everyone outweighs you, self-sacrifice becomes the obvious choice

Levels – Avicii
In terms of desire

We danced in the fountains and throughout every depressive episode my past never went before my eyes, but there, in that stream, my future passed in front of me when you blocked the sun for an instant. I was hoping for so much more and now that I am here, with more than I ever bargained for, I can’t help but start to fear that everything I wanted might just be to near for me to be able to keep you

Thornside – Matt Brouwer
In terms of escape

I kept telling myself that I needed to learn something from all this. I would learn to heal her. I would fix this. I would be the magic glue that they needed, because I can do what He can’t. But this isn’t that story. There isn’t a break in the clouds as long as I’m here on this page, but I’ll tell you when I see that new day in a different chapter. This thorn will never set me free as long as I continue to let it dig under my bones, sucking my marrow dry.

Whatcha Say – Jason Derulo
In terms of betrayal

The roof will never cave in unless we find ourselves in an earthquake, but I swear I prayed for it to when I saw you leave for her. The tragedy I was looking for is always right in front of me, thankfully, it is predominantly the fault of those around me. Unfortunately, I don’t have a say in these things.
You only meant well, and I knew this from the start, but I always wished there was more than good intent. Later on you would see that I deserved so much more than intentions, but I’m still standing on a ledge with an unchecked parachute. It’s brand new and hasn’t been tested even once. I’m feeling rather dumb for trusting it.

Runaway – Ed Sheeran
In terms of home

Home has never been a place I could find, but as I walked out that door there was no surprise. I was no adult nor could I sign any leases, but I needed to run. I never needed to say a thing. He’d know how every word would have fallen and how it would only leave him with more disdain for her sour words and sore heart. Every intention left aches and pains, but they all knew I wouldn’t be back for long. A temporary stay before packing and taking to the road: another trip around the world in a literal sense this time instead of all that metaphorical bullshit.
I love him from the skin to my bones. But I’m looking for something away from him this time.

Drunk – Ed Sheeran

I can believe that the truth will never make you stronger. It is predominantly pain not worth mentioning. I miss your warmth in the cold summer nights when I forget to keep my warmer blankets by my side.
When I drank the entire night away I almost hoped you would appear in my waking dreams, but instead I scratched my wrists until I saw red and wished I could empirically measure the love you held for her against what I feel reaching across the land from the west coast.
Cans collected along the floor of my bedroom, with the music playing in my head causing my body’s submission to a rhythm instead of a knife… and left alone my legs were made to feel like lead for the rest of the week… I’ll never let go of the rhythm if it means seeing you before God’s return.

Dashboard – Modest Mouse

Nowhere is the place that I am always searching for, but it really couldn’t be any worse than this. The radio is only a little distracting when placed within a burning car. I would ignore the burns and the splintering windshield, drumming and swaying and moving to each and every note that I felt within my very soul. I could never let go of the drums, but when anyone appeared I found that I forgot every piece and when they stared I began to break, break, break… Couldn’t keep the drums or the beat or the scene and as each and every piece of me disappeared into the background I recalled how I had placed all my hopes in this one last thing… one last thing that maybe I could do I could feel I could accomplish with everything in my soul because everything in my soul could only ever be shown with how these songs made me feel….. .. how I saw them play out in my mind.

Little Bird – Ed Sheeran

With a broken leg you can still fly as a bird. Well, aren’t you a fool?
Would you stay? And I can’t. I thought it would be simple. I’d always feel that way, but I now know that something in me is broken… I’ve always known this. Broken against my heart… the morning dew will never feel my feet willingly, as the sunrise holds my attention as much as a dream.
It’s late love. Go back to sleep.
Regret. Diving in too soon.
I’ll owe it all to you.
I was so certain within your presence… but maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up… because with each passing week I’m falling into something of a normal pattern of obsession with this or that while the memories of you fall to the wayside…

Wake me up – Ed Sheeran

Maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up. If we got tattoos instead of wedding rings, would I feel as though this is more permanent? Would the commitment suddenly become realistic? I’ll never know… I’ll never know what you see in this basket case that is me, but with every word I write I hope that I’ll see some new books someday… I never really asked for a fairytale ending, but there you were, a knight carrying me to the hospital, staying up with me all night, blowing off finals and scholarships and the world’s definition of success…. Why couldn’t it be that I just breathe to feel you against me… but you still have a train to catch and a week states away……

Maybe I fell in love when you woke me up.

Failure’s Motivation

Maybe it was just after midnight or maybe it was nearly sunrise. I wasn’t sure. I was only sure that the air was thin against my bones. It wasn’t a normal summer night with mosquitoes buzzing and a distant coyote’s howl. No, it was quiet. There was no one around to hear me fall.
And fall I would.
There wasn’t any slippery ground or moss-covered foliage to prolong my way… no… there was only my own uneasiness and poor self-esteem. But that battle was much larger than many would think. Against my vivid imagination Hope raged. The quickly approaching ground consumed. Each fall landed with my spine upon a sharp rock, a barbed stick within my abdomen, or the earth shifting and crumbling until my body would find a resting place at this dark valley’s end.
It isn’t like I ever asked to think like this. Just with every single turn I see another branch cracking, the mother bear stirring, and every plausible path disappearing. Have you ever spent a night with only your nightmares? Could you spend an entire day this way and still climb those trees? See those heights? Brave those dams? I wonder if you could.
But I don’t really care.
I care a little more about this: Could you brave those dams if your mind was begging you to jump? Or climb those trees if your soul only wished for you to fall to your death–even before you glimpsed the sky? Or could you see those heights when building tops and cliff ledges only meant convenient places to die?
I wish this weren’t so… but I’m beginning to recognize that, though I may not always desire this, I will always see it. With every cliff, tree, and building top there is a fall and for every pleasant dream there is a lurking evil.

Do you ever feel like your whispers of sweet-anythings only fall on deaf ears? Or as though her feet wanted to remain steadfastly placed upon the ground? And swaying to and fro goes anywhere but forward, so how could those steps bring her home? But the music called as though my heart would continue on. Every note reminds me of each drive that I gave away the wheel on. I drifted away, knowing I would wake up. Knowing I would be beside you, enshrined with a smile that would always tell me of what I would miss.

What I would miss…

Home ~ Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

This week he is gone. He disappeared across the country while I moved two states to the east. His only message was the half serious, half joking text insisting we relocate to Colorado. It is a beautiful state, but I was even farther away. I have spent my whole life looking for home and now that I have found it I am going to leave it. I will return to the place I am supposed to be. I heard His voice on the wind and began following it northward, as though the remnants of my past were calling me to a completely new place within familiar territory.

Home is wherever I’m with you.
I sing these words and know that you are out of sight. I miss you dearly, with your phone’s signal lost and as I go on a week and two days without a word. This is so insignificant, but for me it is still a lesson to learn. Normally, he is always here. He is on the front porch playing guitar. He relaxing with a cigarette in the rain. He is blowing kisses my way.

Home, let me come home.
I plan a move and wonder when you’ll return. I am finding it difficult to consider where my path will take us, but I am hopeful that we will remain together. Otherwise, I will be left to search for a new home. If it takes another 21 years for me to find that new home, what a sorry state my heart will be in by the time I reach that summit.

And in the streets you run afree like it’s only you and me.
The roads I have followed. Crossing some was proven a simple task. There are other streets that I cannot even see across. I stop and look down at the solid yellow lines. You are to my right, lacing your roller blades. I fall over and over, my lack of balance winning this game. You always pick me up. And no matter the road, it truly is like it is only you and me.

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

The water boiled over again
I filled the kitchen with smoke
And dirtied the floor with soot
Left bread crumbs and ants along the ground
Scattered blankets where I lay
Counted the dollars left on one hand
Watched the clock tick to nothing
Spilled the last of my food
Charged another item to a sliver of plastic
Counting as the interest grows
And the items I treasure grow few
I type, I pray, I wait, I relax, I tense
I have no signal in this house
Wander away to sort out insurance claims
Lose my tooth in the process
Never to be replaced
The representatives are harsh
Their lot in life the same as mine
Just trying to make it by
So, I play Spotify through clearance items
Dream of the multiple homes I’ve made
Where I’ve been, where I’m heading
And I know

Everything, everything’s gonna be alright
Won’t you sing me to sleep tonight?

The Night of that First Kiss

He introduces himself and the song he is covering: “Lover’s Wreck” by Gaelic Storm. (All credits to Gaelic storm for italics. I don’t own lyrics in italics. Non italics are mine. Something something something…)

A hundred days at sea, A wretch away from misery
He begins singing with a voice apart from the others. Comfortable with singing, he smiles while his hands catch every chord with precision.
Rummies and rats and tarry jacks my only family
The island of salvation is still a scream a way
As the lungs of the night blow out the light my heart kneels down to pray

He pauses to uncover the parts of his heart that he never shows.

Lord why did you take her She meant so much to me
But in this moment, he is a performer. Every word is a complete truth. Every word is from his heart. His lungs utilize every piece of oxygen and release a bellow I did not expect from his jolly and humble form.
Now I’m a wretched soul on a privateer drowning out at sea
I’m killing and I’m drinking my blue heart to black
But I swear, oh Lord, I’ll never sin again if you bring her back

His voice tells me his words are true. His passion tells me this song was for her.

Gypsy was a siren, Dripping with desire
Her moonless hair and skin so fair as warm as frozen fire

A sadness instead of a love begins to show. His eyes focusing on no one, he gazes across the seated patrons and rushing waiters, seeing her upon the sea.
She had the loyalty of a cat, behind those pale green eyes
And through her cherry lips the devil slipped, a thousand lies
A clan of rogues and vagabonds occupied her head
That thieving band took her pale white hand and stole her from my bed
And like a ghost ship in the night she drifted out once more
To land upon the sand of another lover’s shore

He has accepted her distance. Her spontaneity and capriciousness left his head spinning in a world where he would like nothing more than to relax by the rain, paintbrush or guitar in hand.

Lord why did you take her she meant so much to me
Returning again, his passion takes hold of my heart and I feel a fire. His emphasis and tone perfectly show the emotion behind these words. He is in love with her again–if only for a moment.
Now I’m a wretched soul on a privateer drowning out at sea
I’m killing and I’m drinking my blue heart to black
But I swear, oh Lord, I’ll never sin again If you bring her back

In my sleeping mind she sings a sad and lonely lullaby
When I wake there’s just the ache that’ll haunt me till I die
He looks towards me and smiles as much as his moving voice allows. I grin as widely as I can, recalling him taking care of me over the past few weeks of my emotional distress, supporting me as I miss classes and wish to end my life, making me smile when everything in me begs for my disappearance.
When those winds of vanity no longer blow her west
I pray they’ll guide her home (across the foam) and put my heart to rest
Press gang filled this Man-o-War To make the black mouthed cannon roar
Now all my trade is ball and blade, and blood forever more
And the sting of salt and spray, the ocean’s howl and squall
A stumbling wreck, I roam the deck, at the devil’s beck and call.. at the devil’s beck and call

He looks my way. I am not sure where his mind’s eye now carries him, but he seems genuinely happy.
He is my best friend. We always get along. We don’t fight. We agree on so many levels. We talk in the same monotonous way that sounds condescending to everyone except us.

Oh, Lord, why did you take her She meant so much to me
Now I’m a wretched soul on a privateer Drowning out at sea

Here he is. Singing again but still glancing my way. Maybe checking on my sanity. Maybe happy to see me smiling. Maybe thinking about how well we get along.
I’m killing and I’m drinking my blue heart to black
But I swear, oh Lord, I’ll never sin again if you bring her back

Applause. Something I could never earn. Especially not through music. He comes off the side of the stage and is all smiles: his entirely normal self. After a few compliments, he is standing in front of me, guitar in hand, and I tell him how he sung those words perfectly. He says, smile still holding on, “I can only sing that song as a final song. My throat is ridiculously dry.” His voice no longer carries as far as it did before stepping onto that stage.

We meander around for a while and leave as the bar becomes sober. Across eastern facing roads we find our way home. He falls asleep to Pokemon while I remain glued to the screen and watch through to the end. I drift away in his arms and feel a rare sense of peace that I cherish. I awake around 3am, my insomnia alerting me to nothing. I ask myself why I have yet to tell him that I love him. Why have I waited so long when this emotion has become so obvious? His happiness is all I have been considering. What does he want? Not me.

But when do I consider what I want? Not very often.

And so I kiss him.

And I wake him up to explain to him the kiss I gave in his sleep: it was not a dream. I like him. He explains to me how he thought it was a Pokemon battle. I apologize for this not being nearly as interesting as his dreams. We laugh and smile.

And so this began. Nothing but peace. Nothing but understanding. Nothing but relaxing. Nothing but friendship and love. Five months of peace with my best friend. We may grow apart and end this, becoming only friends again, or we may continue on together, our lives continuously entwined. Either way, these moments are some of my favorite and without him in my life I do not know if I would still be here.

Relationships are truly beautiful. They make up the entirety of this world and if you don’t choose to have wonderful relationships, your life cannot be complete.

Finding Creativity

I go through these phases. I don’t call them writer’s block as one typically would. No, this is just a personal issue. I just don’t feel like writing. I wake up and will do anything but write. That is a dilemma when I want to improve my writing.

I just feel like if I force it, it will be obvious that it is forced. And it will crumble under pressure. Beneath a light, all the cracks will be obvious. The discontinuities of my variable soul displayed in ink.

So, I’ll end up writing something that means nothing to me. I’ll write about events that aren’t real and feelings I have no reason to feel and maybe have never felt. I mix them in with my true feelings and the line starts to blur. I find myself wandering between reality and fantasy in my head and fantasy is always more interesting. I think I’ll make that my reality.

“Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.”

I’m starting to hold onto that quote like it means something to me. I am beginning to understand that everything about me has already been written, so I change my writing bit by bit to encompass a world separate from the one I know.

A Friend Told Me That I Cannot Express Emotions Without Relient K

Stumbling across the atmosphere
A strange sight indeed
A line of red appeared
Before all was smooth
Perfect complexion, save a freckle or two
As I get caught off track
Again
Wrapped up in my one obsession
Of many songs that saved me
Rather, God saved me through them
Each relationship’s end
Every moment’s beginning
Wondering which to bury
Letting it all out
Getting into God
Thinking I was going somewhere
Maybe I was onto something good
I hope I make it after all
But I wandered too far
I found myself within my own desert
My bones shattered
So bring them back to life
I never even approached a sun
Mothballs surrounding me
I fell straight into the sand
I never saw any solar flares
I skipped the love songs
The oasis was another mirage
And there is no savannah
I’m still waiting…
Waiting for whatever God has for me
The best thing is only a mystery
It has taken patience
It will take more patience
I still think I’m going somewhere
But somewhere between a dance
That I invited all the wrong boys to
And a lung that refuses to work properly
I got lost
I never fell out of God’s favor
But I stopped realizing that He was here
I no longer feel His presence
I dive into my distractions
Hoping, praying that I’ll forget
This will just disappear
Because I do not want to slow down
But as much as I’d rather
I cannot forget
Sailing to Neverland
Sailing to Japan
Neither will help
I need to be in His arms
But the Holy Ghost has been so quiet
As of late I hear nothing
Nothing but my anxiety building
I really hope I hear more from Him
I wish to be well on my way
But somewhere between terminals at CMH
And my favorite songs to jam to
My emotions were warped
I may need a mood ring
Although those have never worked
My hands are only ice cold
They are in need of a move
An adventure towards warmer weather
My Jefferson Aeroplane will surely carry me
I’ll open all the windows
I know where I’ll end up
And I’ll watch the sunrise over the Pacific
Through a window, favorite cereal in hand
I’ll forget for a moment
And then relapse and return to You