A Meeting With Time

In Time’s study, I sat looking at her from my armchair. I don’t even remember sitting down there. I was just walking through the woods, working to clear my head. And then I was facing Time. He was sitting under his lamp, bookshelves full behind her. Other than the illuminated book in his lap, it was dim, curtains mostly closed and the woods outside shielding the room from light.

I knew she knew all there was to know about me, but Time was still entirely indifferent to my circumstances. She counted today as irrelevant and probably tomorrow too–really, my whole life. However, I did not find his brashness harsh; I almost took comfort in his indifference that nearly curled his nose while she considered my futile plight.

“Pitiful,” I think I heard her mutter under his breath, but maybe he was just exhaling as he turned a page.
Time found my life meaningless, but, then I noticed, with the same looks of disdain, she held reverence. How he portrayed both of these I simply cannot know or say.

“I envy you,” Time spoke, to clarify the look I saw.
I understand Time’s words as much as I understand how he looked at me with both indignant indifference and reverence.

Time offered no explanation and I imagine did not care if we sat there forever.

“Envy me?” Of course I had to restate this with my disbelief added to the words. Time continued flipping through his empty notebook–I assume it held something I was simply not privy to.

“Yes. You, generally speaking. Humanity.” He did not stop flipping through her book. She also made no indication that she would talk again.

“Why?” I asked after she went through a few more pages, after a few more moments of what felt as though Time was struggling to remain here–her presence remaining tangible, but his soul seeming to disappear into her book itself.

“You experience what I never can.”

At this statement, Time finally stopped flipping through his book and regarded me. He seemed to grow weary the longer her eyes were not on the pages, but, she spoke with less monotony and indifference this time.

“I’m outside of this world. I’m here only as a study of sorts; I am continuously disconnected. I see your world and universe in one field– as you would view a two-dimensional piece of art. But here you are: experiencing a life just as tangible as mine, even if much simpler.”

The indifference returned as her explanation ended. Time began flipping through pages once more. Immersed in whatever the blank pages held, I left Time in his study and continued on my way. I walked out of the woods and arrived at a country road and my car.

I’m still here. Whichever way I look, painted yellow dashes stretch from horizon to horizon.

I’ll always be here. Deciding between right or left, backward or forward.

I know that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter: I’m one in seven billion; I’m unique like everybody else. I know that between right and left there is no substantiated correct direction. I know this in light of Time itself. I know of all the indifference, the cold, and the bitter in the majority. I know that everyone regards their state in life as their only god; selfishness absorbing every opportunity for love while disdain and jealousy consume.

I know…

I saw the reverence too.

Abundant Blessings

Life has taken me so many places, but I plan to always be along for the ride.

As I continue to make my way out of the ocean that was a living hell in my mind, I am beginning to see the reality of the blessings I have received. Rising from drowning emotions and constant fatigue and a consuming hopelessness, God shows me the undeniable truth:

I Am Loved.

I missed two days of Prozac and, as I rose this morning, I felt all the nervousness and bleakness of my previous life returning. I prayed a short prayer and quickly consumed the sugar and caffeine that my addicted and tired body was craving. I prayed that it would hold me over till I could return home and have a more substantial meal and take my medication my dependent body desired.

I sat on the couch at my best friend’s mother’s house and considered my plans for the day and turned on my phone. As I read the first email in my inbox, I smiled.

I Smiled. It is one of those things I treasure. At work, there is the fake smile for greetings and goodbyes. There is the full of energy and optimistic me for job interviews and 8am-5pm days surrounding new people. These can only last so long without the proper amount of serotonin.

This email is why I smiled:
“Your  feature has been published and is viewable here: http://undergroundminds.com/katherine-zellmer-writer/
Let us know if there’s anything you’d like changed.

We can’t thank you enough for your interest in being featured on Underground Minds. It is truly an honor to have your work included among our pages. Please keep in touch, we would love to continue promoting your work!

The Underground Minds Team”

I am now a featured writer! On a brand new website that is on a search for originality.

And it is an honor for them to have my work on their pages! Now, I always think, with my pessimistic mind, that they must just be saying that because they know of my depression so don’t want to cause me any emotional trauma.

I might kill myself, you know?

Another thought popped in my head after that negativity.

I went to a job interview on Tuesday. There is where I embraced the side of me that wears me down to no end. I was happy. I was optimistic. I spoke of my strengths, emphasizing my wonderful interpersonal skills.

And I just felt more energized as the day progressed. Each positive thing I said was true. This was part of me. I am a hard worker. I do love meeting new people. I am perfect for this job.

I was happy. I fully enjoyed the next day I spent in a second interview where I shadowed an employee and learned what a whole day of work was like with the company. I wasn’t forcing smiles anymore. I was simply enjoying myself and smiling with no effort.

At some point, my days became beautiful. I am standing on my feet again. And people love my writing enough to post it on their prized website. And people enjoy my presence enough to bring me in for a second interview.

And hire me. I was informed of this yesterday at 10:36am over a phone call with the HR representative who doubles as the receptionist. We had become friends before my first interview as I spoke with her in the lobby. I smiled with her. I laughed with her. I listened to country music with her. It wasn’t twangy enough to bother me.

I know, today I am so very fatigued. My mind is in a fog. My emotions in disarray. But I also know that I will be fine and full of energy and life again when the chemicals in my brain re-stabalize. I know I am loved. I know I have positive traits and that life…

Life is good.

It has taken me so many places, but I plan to always be along for the ride.

Thank you to all my followers. I know I don’t have that many when compared to typical list writers or the comedic comics that sprawl the internet, but I am inclined to believe that I have something with substance here.

You have no idea how wonderful it is to see a new follower. How fun it is to imagine people enjoying my posts or hopefully being moved in some way or forced to think about things more. I just want to connect with people. We all experience worries and go through rough times and break hearts and get our hearts broken and cry and smile and laugh and cherish and hate and run to and from. We are all just humans trying to make it through this life and find a purpose. I hope and pray that every visitor here sees this truth and appreciates those around them and whatever situations they may be struggling through just a little more.

Thank you. 🙂

Best wishes,

Katherine Z